Sholay 3020

It’s the year 3020, GM and Chrysler have already gone bankrupt. Boeing has taken over big time, no one uses cars now, people use aeroplanes these days for visiting a nearby mall. Lets move to Peninsula High Security Prison located in Scotland. James and Vellu, two best friends, brilliant structural engineers, framed in a bank robbery, are sitting in their cells talking about how to escape. By the way this is the strictest prison in the world, no one has escaped alive from here. But James and Dave come up with a master plan. And since we don’t have enough time for the entire “Prison Break” story, lets skip it. They are out and come to India, the super power of the world.

To stay safe they go to Alibaug, a lesser known village in Madhya Pradesh. And while they are sitting in a hotel munching chole bhaturey, an apparently beggar like guy with no hands comes and sits beside them. The alleged handless beggar has someone for company as well. James takes out a rupee and offers the old man. The beggar shouts that abbey bhikari samjha hai kya, is area ka thakur hu main. James, realising his mistake apologises. The beggar is none other than Thakur baldev singh of Alibaug and his accomplice is Ramu kaka. Thakur tells the boys about how Robber Gobar Singh and his friends looted his family and killed his son. James n Vellu almost cry. But then they ask what do you want from us. Thakur says I want Gobar killed. Vellu laughs and says boss we are engineers and not bhadey ke tattu. Thakur smirks and says I know your credentials, make a perfect plan and execute it and I shall give you 20 million rupees (by the way 1 RS now equals 200 USD, so that’s one hell of an amount). James and Vellu discuss and decide lets do it. So thakur gives him his address and says a plane waiting outside will take you there.

James n Vellu step in the plane to find a beautiful girl as its pilot. Vellu, being a flirt sits besides her and talks rubbish all the while. James on the other hand is busy making some serious plans to outwit gobar. The gal’s name is Basaunty, a charming gal with no flying skills at all. Finally after listening to Basaunty for 2 hours non stop, Vellu faints. Thankfully, they are almost near Thakur’s residence. Vellu and James are allotted a small room in the big mansion of Thakur’s. They sit for days and nights to work on the plan. In the meantime, Thakur’s widow daughter in law, Jaya brings them chaas daily. Our James falls in love with the girl. Vellu too falls in love with Basaunty. Finally, being engineers they develop a superb plan and kill Gobar Singh and his fellow robbers. And both the heroes are married to their respective girls and live happily ever after.

Life eej a Hard!!!!

It was raining very heavily that day in Zumri Talaya, a small village in Honolulu. Champu (our hero by the way) was heavily drunk as usual. He was on his 1950s Atlas bicycle riding at 20 Kilometres per hour (don’t ask how he can drive so fast…remember our man is drunk he can fly as well). And as it was raining so heavily and he was so drunk he lost his way and went straight into a rice field. That field had a well. Okay now please don’t think that he lost his balance and fell into the well, this is a Prashant Bankar story and not Ekta Kapoor’s. Now as it was raining so heavily he though of standing under a shed adjacent to the well.

As he sat under the shed and gulped down another desi tharra bottle, he saw a young woman, maybe in mid 20s, slim, fair, and beautiful. Oh yes, he also saw two bullocks roaming in the field and a tractor. Don’t even dare ask what the bulls were doing in that field. The woman was shouting at top of her voice, “Let me die, let me die.” Now obviously our hero was moved by her plight and he moved forward to help her. He pushed her into the well. Oh come on don’t get emosanal now, Champu is just helping her, remember what she is saying let me die, let me die, like a pure gentleman he fulfilled her wish, well he almost did. But then 5 men holding sticks came from behind thrashed champu and saved Champa (our heroine who wanted to commit suicide). And while champu was beaten black and blue he looked into champa’s eyes and immediately the Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge song started in the background (now come on there’s no zumri talaya any where and this is a filmy story so any thing is possible). So the song went like this, “Tujhe dekha toh yeh jana sanam..blah blah.” No brownies for guessing that right, Champu had fallen in love with Champa. Apparently, even Champa had fallen in love wid him, love at first sight you see. And the two were separated.

Now by this time you are dying to know what happened to them, but before that let me tell you a little about Champa and Champu. Champu was a poor farmer’s son, an I.T. engineer by profession and by now its clear why he started drinking heavily. Recession: he lost his job, he lost his house and started remaining unhappy. Its not that our hero didn’t try to regain his life. He tried hard, very hard in fact. He had almost convinced a rich girl to marry him, a money lender’s daughter. He even asked for a hefty dowry. But the money lender refused and said I have four daughters and one son and a lazy housewife. He said, “I shall give you 15,000 rupees per year for next 10 years, chalta hai toh bol.” But our hero, swabhimani na, said, “Itna income toh hum mahiney main Ramlal ko detey hai.” But money lender wouldn’t listen, he said, “if you want to get married to my daughter, ghar jamai banna padega.” Champu said fine I don’t mind. But no, god didn’t like champu’s happiness. The rich girl he was about to marry now refused saying, “main aise aadmi se shadi nahi kar sakti. Nahiiiiiiii!!!” And since then, Champu started drinking even more and look now he is in the rain field getting beaten by some unknown goons. Now about Champa, why the hell you want to know about her, typically Indians you are. She lived in a nearby city by the way and worked as a popcorn seller in a cinema hall.

That’s it, the story is over. Now all stories don’t have a happy ending. This is a Hollywood story.